The Letter

3rd draft, December 1923-January 1924, I.5§2 (FH X) draft level 2

MS British Library 47471b 14v-23v Draft details

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(…) Mr Earwicker. For two straws yes and less I could tell someone I know and they would make a corpse of him by private shooting with the greatest of pleasure and not leave enough of McGrath Bros for the peelers to pick up.

Lies. There never was any girl in my house expecting trouble off my esteemed husband, never. Those pair of whores that committed all the nuisance neither of them were virtuous pursuant to said declaration of the public doctor out of the Lock whereas I shall bring under revered notice the above Honourable Earwicker to possess second to none from a child a chest very hairy |2& eyebrows2| for it to be able to be seen which I am the privileged to behold and pursuant to same very affectionate after salesladies' company. I will not have a dirty reptile the like of the McGraths to be spreading his lies all around where we live if he thinks he is the big noise here as I simply agree to all. There, you worm! I know you now. I would hate to say what I think about him. I exgust sneak McGrath wanting to live on me and my noble husband like a dirty pair of parachutes. I wouldn't dream of a sausage belonging to him for meat for the cat and it was in all the Sunday papers about Earwicker's farfamed fatspitters
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thatº were eaten and appreciated by over fifteen thousands of persons in Dublin this weekend. The obnoxious liar.º He was |2one time a Scotchman &2| fired out of Cloon's where he was only a common floorwalker for giving guff.

Moreover I have heard it stated about the military but did space permit it is my belief I could show it was always the wish of his mind to mitigate the King's evil and I hereinafter swear by your revered majesty that it was him gave me the price of my new bulletproof dress with the angel sleeves and he said to my presences in these words: Just as there is a God of all things my mind is a complete blank.

Well, revered, I tender your heartbroken thanks with regrets for lettering you and will now close hoping you are in the best. I don't care a fig for him and erronymous letter about an experience on the part of me as girl alleged unpleasant with a clerical friend. How about it? I was young & easy then to feast his eyes on with my sweet auburn hair hanging to myº knees and I can do just as I please with it because now
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it's my own by married women's improperty act. Never mind poor Father Michael but |2answer my question chat me instead2|. If McGrath Bros |2was like cd handle2| him he would jump out of his |2dirty2| skin. When next you see M.G. ask him what about his wife, Lily Kinsella who became the wife of Mr Sneak, with the kissing solicitor at present engaging attention by private detectives being hidden under the grand piano w to find out whether nothing beyond kissing went on. Lily is a lady |2liliburlero bullenalaw2| and she had medicine brought her in a licensed victualler's bottle. Shame! Thrice shame! I only wish he would look in through his letterbox one day and he would not say that was a solicitor's business. What ho, she bumps! My, he would be surprised to see his old girl with Mr Brophy, solicitor, quite affectionate together, kissing & looking into a mirror.

So much for sneakery that I was treated not very grand by the thicks off Bully's acre. If any of Sully's thicks was to pull a gun on me he'll know better manners the way I'll sully him. I will herewith lodge my
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complaint on him to police sergeant Laracy who does be on the corner of Buttermilk lane and he will |2taken such steps to2| have his head well & lawfully broken by a Norwegian who has been expelled |2from out of2| christianity.

Dear Majesty I hope you are now well. How are you? To speak the truth I was rather put out in my health latterly about the thugs got up for McGrath by Sully. I am advised |2he |awaxyend waxya|2| is at the present in hospital with palpitations from all he drunk and it's seldom I saw him any other way. That he may never come out but he is a rattling fine bootmaker by profession. |2But Whereas2| I will let all |2to2| know that I am perfectly proud of this great civilian, |2P.W. A.P.2| Earwicker, long life to him, my once handsome husband, who is as gentle as a mushroom to be
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seen from my improved looks and a greatly attractable when he always sits fornenst me, poor ass, to make our polite conversations over lawful business and pleasure when he is after his |2fourth 3rd2| mug of 4 ale & shag and he never chained me to a chair |2or followed me about with a fork on an Easter Monday2| ever since this native island was born and this is why all the police & everybody is all bowing to me when I go out in all directions Earwicker is 100% human I tell Slysneakers and you Master McGrath, pale bellies our mild cure, back & streaky, ninepence I can hereby show whoever likes original bag of one apiece cakes & Adam Findlater's best figrolls which was given to me on occasion of our last golden wedding day by dear Mr Earwicker. Thank you, beloved, for your beautiful parcel. Always the born gentleman can be plainly seen by all from such behaviour.
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Well, I like their |2damn2| cheek for them to go and say around about heº as bothered as he possibleº could. I must beg to contradict in the strongest as indeed I may say in the matter of hearing that he is after his manner certified to be very agreeable deef. I'd give him his answer if he was to dare to say my revered husband was never a true widower in the eyes of the law on consideration of his late diseased inasmuch as the present Mr Earwicker Esquire has often given said deponent full particulars answering ofº the late diseased in dear delightful firelit hours when this truly timehonoured man is a great warrant to play slapsam and population peg and Sally Shorthclothes where he can easily hold his own whilst we frankly enjoyed more than anything thank heaven for it the secret workings of nature thank heaven for it I humbly pray and was really delighted of the nice time. Who would argue with a stinker like McGrath Bros. If I am credibly informedº cannonballs is the true argument with a low sneak.
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Ping! Ping! Hit him again. Ping! That ought to make him hop it. Ha! Ha! I must laugh. Sneaker McGrath has stuffed his last black pudding. 3pm Wednesday. Grand funeral of McGrath Brothers. Don't forget. His funeral will now shortly take place. Remains must be removed by 3 sharp. R.I.P.

Well, revered majesty, I take the liberty of cherishing expectation that the clouds will soon dissipate and will now conclude above epistle with best thanks for your great kindest and all the trouble to took self and dearest of husbands, Papa Earwicker, who I'll be true to you untoº life's end |2so as2| long as he has a barrel full of Bass with love to Maj and all at home
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in the earnest hope you will enjoy perusal of same most completely.

So help me witness to this day to my hand & marks from your revered majesty's most duteous I am

Your affectionate

Dame |2Anna2| Plurabelle Earwicker

(only lawful wife of Mr Earwicker)

P.S. This puts the tin hat on M.G.