The Letter

2nd draft, December 1923, I.5§2 (FH X) draft level 1

MS British Library 47471b 36-42 Draft details

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Majesty well Ive heard all these muckbirds what theyre bringing up about him and they will come to no good. The Honourable Mr Earwicker, my devout husband, and he is a true gentleman which is what none of the sneakers ever will be because as sings the royal poet
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their likes must be born |1which like1| he was, my devout, and it was between Williamstown and the Ailesbury road I first saw the lovelight in his eyes on top of the longcar |1I think he is looking at me yet |aas if he'd pass away in the cloudsa|1| when he told me his true opinion to pardon him|1, golden one,1| but that I had got a lovely face and I felt I was back again in paradise |1lost |awhen all the world was Junea|1|.

Well, revered majesty, I hereafter swear never once he sent out the swags with a drop in them but milk as it came from the cow and that is all a m pure makeup by a snake in the grass and his name is McGrath Bros against that dear man, my honorary husband. If I was to tell your revered all that caffler said to me was it this time last year as I told Mrs Tom for his accomodation McGrath Bros I'm saying and his bacon not fit to look at never mind butter which is forbidden by the 10 commandments thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour's wife. Aha, McGrath, the lies is out on him like freckles. But I could read him. When I think what he had the shame to suggest about my dearly respected husband can I ever forget that? Never. So may the Lord forgive McGrath Brothers all his trespasses against the Honorary
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Mr Earwicker. For 2 straws |1yes and less1| I could tell someone I know and they would make a corpse of him |1by private shooting1| with the greatest of pleasure and not leave enough of McGrath for the peelers to pick up.

Lies. There never was any girl in my house expecting trouble of my husband, never. The |1hussies pair of whores |athat committed all the nuisancea|1| neither of them were virtuous pursuant to declaration of the public doctor out of the lock whereas |1I shall bring under revered noticeº1| above Honble Earwicker |1possesses to possess1| a chest very hairy |1second to none1| for it to be able to be seen from a child which I am the privileged to see and pursuant to same very affectionate after salesladies' company. I will not have a dirty reptile the like of the McGraths to be spreading his lies all round where we live if he thinks he's the big noise here as I simply agree to it. |1Now There1|, you worm! |1|aI know you nowa| I would hate to say what I think about |ayou hima|.1| I exgust sneak McGrath |1Bros wanting to live on me & my name like di dirty parachutes1|. I wouldn't dream of a sausage belonging to him for meat for the cat |1& it was in all the papers about Earwicker's fatspitters that they were eaten by more than 15,000 persons in Dublin this weekend alone1|. The obnoxious liar! He was fired out of Cloon's where he was only one of your common floorwalkers for giving guff.

Moreover I've heard it stated about the military but did space permit it is my belief I could
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show it was the wish of his mind to mitigate the King's evil and I hereinafter swear by your revered majesty that it was him gave me the price of my new bulletproof dress with the angel sleeves and he said to my presence in these words: Just as there is a God of all things my mind is a complete blank.

Well, revered majesty, I tender you heartbroken thanks with regrets for lettering you and will now close hoping you are in the best. I don't care a fig for him and |1lies erronymous letter1| about an experience |1of mine on the part of me1| as girl with a |1alleged unpleasant1| clerical friend. |1How about it? |aI was young & easy then.a| |xto feast his eyes on my |asweet auburna| hair falling on to my |abarea| kneesx| As it is my own |aproperty by married woman's improperty acta| & I can do just as I please with it. |aNever mind poor Father Michael but answer my question if McGrath Bros was like him it wd be well for him When next you see M.G.a|1| Ask him what about his wife |1|aLily McGrath Lily Kinsella who became the wife of Mr McGrath,a|1| with Mr John Brophy & Son, the kissing solicitor, at present engaging attention of private detectives |1being hidden under the grand piano |ato see whether nothing beyond |bkissing handholdingb| went ona|1|. |1Lily is a lady and she had medicine brought her in a licensed victualler's bottle. Shame! Thrice shame!1| I only wish he would look in through his letterbox one day and he would not say that was a solicitor's business.º What ho, she bumps! My, he would be surprised to see |1the his1| old girl with Mr Brophy |1solicitor1| quite affectionate together, kissing and looking into a mirror.

So much for his sneakery
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that I was treated not very grand by the thicks in Bully's acre. If any of Sully's thicks was to pull a gun on me he'll know better manners. |1I'll sully him.1| I will complain on them to P.S. Laracy at the corner of Buttermilk lane and he will have his head well & lawfully broken by a Norwegian who has been expelled out of Christianity.

|1Dear Majesty, I hope you are well., how are you? To speak the truth I was rather put out in my mind |alatterlya| about the thugs got up for McGrath by Sully. I am told he is at present in hospital with palpitations |afrom all he drunk and I it's seldom I saw him any other waya|. That he may never come out by he is a rattling fine bootmaker by profession.1|

I am perfectly proud of this great |1man civilian1|, |1Mr H.C.1| Earwicker, |1long life to him,1| my once handsome husband |1to bee be seen from my improved looks1| who is as gentle as a woman and |1a1| |1very greatly1| attractable when he always sits fornenst me|1, poor ass,1| to make our |1conversation polite conversations1| about |1lawful1| business & pleasure when he is after his 3rd or 4th mug |1of 4 ale & shag1| and he never chained me to a chair since this |1native1| island was born. |1|x& all the police and everybody is all bowing around to me when I go out in every direction &x|1| Earwicker is |1white 100% human1|, I tell Sneakers and |1you1| Master McGrath, |1pale bellies, our mild cure,1| back and streaky, ninepence. I can show whoever likes the bag of |1one apiece1| cakes & |1Adam Findlater's best1| figrolls which was given to me by Mr Ear on last |1occasion of golden1| wedding day by Mr Earwicker. Thank you, beloved, for your beautiful parcel. Always the born gentleman can be plainly seen by all from such behaviour. Then them to go & say about him being bothered |1as he possible could1| I must beg to contradict as |1indeed I may say1| he is |1after his manner1| |1&1| certified to be |1in the matter of his hearing1| very agreeably deef.
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I'd give him his answer if he was to dare to say my |1honoured revered1| husband was never a widower |1in the eyes of the law1| in consideration of |1the late his1| diseased inasmuch as the present Mr Earwicker |1Esquire1| has often given said deponent all particulars answering to description of the late diseased in |1playful dear delightful firelit hours1| hours when this truly |1great |anoble timehonoureda|1| man is a great warrant for to play |1slaparm slapsam & population peg & Sally Shorthclothes |awhere he can hold his own as easily blanka|1| where while |1enjoying we frankly enjoyed more than anything1| the secrets of |1nature nature's design1|, thank Heaven for it, humbly pray |1really delighted of the nice time1|. |1Don't Who would1| argue with a stinker like the McGraths. |1If I am truly informed without mistake1| Cannonballs is the only argument with a low sneak. Ping! Ping! Hit him again. Ping! blank That ought to make him hop it. Ha! Ha! I must laugh at such a sneak. Sneaky McGrath has stuffed his last |1white black1| pudding. 3 p.m. Wednesday grand funeral of McGrath Brothers. Don't forget. |1His funeral will shortly take place. Remains must be removed by 3 sharp.1| Here lies McGrath Brothers. R.I.P.

Well, revered majesty, I take the liberty of cherishing the expectation that the clouds will soon dissipate and will now conclude the above epistle with best thanks |1for your great kindest1| of all the trouble to took to regards for |1H self & dearest of husbands Papa Earwicker who I'll be true |ato you as only lawful wifea| to |awhile unto |bmyb| life's end so long asa| he has a barrel full of Bass1| & self to dear Majs Maj & all at home
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|1hoping in the earnest hope of1| you to enjoy its perusal most completely

So help me witness |1to1| this day to this my hand and mark from |1your1| revered majesty's most duteous I am

Your affectionate

Dame Bessy Plurabelle Earwickerº


P.S. This puts the tin hat on M.G.