Nowº (to forebare for ever solittle of Iris Freesº and Lili O'Rangans), concerningº the genesis of Harold or Humphrey Chimpden's
occupational agnomen (we are back in the presurnames prodromarith period, of course, justº when enos chalked halltraps) and discarding once for all those theories
from older sources which would link him back with such pivotal ancestors as the Glues, the Gravys, theº
Northeasts, the Ankers and theº Earwickers of Sidlesham in the
Hundred of Manhoodº or proclaim him offsprout of vikings who had founded wapentake and seddled hem in Herrick or Eric,º the best authenticated version, the
Dumlat, read the Reading of Hofed-ben-Edar, has it that it was this way. We are told how in the beginning it came to pass
that,º like cabbaging Cincinnatus,º the grand old gardener was saving daylight under his giant
redwoodº one sultry sabbath afternoon, Hag Chivychas Eve, in prefall paradise peace by following his plough for rootles in the rere garden of
mobhouse, ye olde marine hotel,º when royalty was announced by runner to have been pleased to have halted
itself on the highroad along which a leisureloving dogfox had cast followed, also at walking pace, by a lady pack of cocker spaniels. Forgetful of all
save his vassal's plain
fealty to the ethnarch,º Humphrey or Harold stayed not to yoke or saddle but stumbled out hotface as he was (his sweatful bandanna loose from his pocketcoat), hastingº to the forecourts of his public in topee, surcingle, solascarf and plaid, plus fours, puttees and bulldog boots ruddled cinnabarº with flagrant marl,º jingling his turnpike keys and bearing aloft amid the fixed pikes of the hunting party a high perch atop of which a flowerpot was fixed earthside hoist with care. On his majesty, who was, or often feigned to be, noticeably longsighted from green youth and had been meaning to inquire what, in effect, had caused yon causeway to be thus potholed, asking, substitutionally,º to be put wise as to whether paternoster and silver doctors were not now more fancied bait for lobstertrapping,º honest blunt Haromphreyld answered in no uncertain tones very similarly with a fearless
forehead: Naw, yer maggers, aw war jist a cotchin on thon bluggy earwuggers. Our sailor kingº, who was draining a gugglet of obvious adamale, gift both and gorban, upon this, ceasing to swallow, smiled most heartily beneath his walrus moustaches and,º indulging that none too genial humour which William the Conk on the spindle side had inherited with the hereditary whitelock and some shortfingeredness from his greatauntº Sophy, turned towards two of his retinue of gallowglasses, Michael, etheling lord of Leix and Offaly,º and the jubilee mayor of Drogheda, Elcock, the two scatterguns being Michael M. Manning, protosyndic of Waterford,º and an Italian excellency named Giubilei according to a later version cited by the learned scholarch Canavan of Canmakenoise (in either case a triptychal religious family symbolising puritas of doctrina, business per usuals and the purchypatch of hamlock where the paddish preties grow),º and remarked dilsydulsily: Holybones of Saint Hubert,º how our red brother of Pouringrainia would audibly fume did he know that we have for surtrusty bailiwick a turnpiker who is by turns a pikebailer no seldomer than an earwigger! For he kinned Jom Pill with his court so gray and his haunts in his house in the mourning. (One still hears that pebblecrusted laughterº, japijap cheerycherrily, among the roadside tree the lady Holmpatrick planted and still one feels the amossive silence of the cladstone allegibelling: Ive mies outs ide Bourn.)º
Comesº the question:º are these the facts of his nominigentilisation
as recorded and accolated in both or either of the collateral andrewpaulmurphyc narratives?º Are those their fata which we read in sibylline between the fas and its nefas? No dung on the
road?º And shall Nohomiah be our place like? Yea, Mulachy our kingableº khan? We shall perhaps not so soon
see. Pinck poncks that bail for seeks alicence where cumsceptres with scentaurs stay. Bear in mind, son of
Hokmah, if so be you have metheg in your midness, this man is mountain and unto changeth doth one
ascend. Heave we aside the fallacy, as punical as finikin, that it was not the king kingselfº but his inseparable sisters,º
uncontrollable nighttalkers, Skertsiraizde with Donyahzade, who afterwards,º when the robbareesº shot up the socialights,º came down into the world as amusers and were staged by
Madame Sudlow as Rosa and Lily Miskinguette in the pantalime that two pitts paythronosed, Meliodorusº and Galatheeº. The great fact emerges that after that historic date all
holographs so far exhumed initialled by Haromphrey bear the sigla H.C.E. and while he was only and long and always good Dookº Umphreyº for the hungerlean spalpeens of
Lucalizod and Chimbers to his cronies it was equally certainly a pleasant turn of the populace which gave him as sense of those normative letters the nickname Here Comes Everybody.
Anº imposing everybody he always indeed looked, constantly the same as and equal to himself and magnificently well worthy of any and all such universalisation, every time he continually surveyed, amid vociferatings from in front of Accept these few nutties! and Take off that white hat!º, relieved with Stop his Grog andº Put It in the Log and Loots in his (bassvoco) Boots, from good start to happy finish the truly catholic assemblage gathered together in that king's treat house of satinº alustrelike above floats and footlights from theirº assbawlveldts and oxgangs unanimously to clapplaud (the inspiration of his lifetime and the hits of their careers) Mr Wallenstein Washington Semperkelly's immergreen tourers in a command performance by special request with the courteous permission for pious purposes the homedromed and enliventh performance of theº problem passion play of the millentury, running strong since creation, A Royal Divorce, then near the approach towards the summit of its climax, with ambitious interval band selections from The Bo'º Girl and The Lily on all horserie show command nights from his viceregal booth (his bossaloner is ceilinged there a cuckoospit less eminent than the redritualhoods of Maccabe and Cullen) where, a veritable Napoleon the Nth, our worldstage's practical jokepiece and retired cecelticocommediant in his own wise,º this folksforefather all of the time sat,º having the entirety of his house about him,º with the invariable broadstretched kerchief cooling his whole neck, nape and shoulderblades and in a wardrobepanelledº tuxedo completely thrown back from a shirt well entitled a swallowall,º on every point far outstarching the laundered clawhammers and marbletopped highboys of the pit stalls and early amphitheatre. The piece was this: look at the lamps. The cast was thus: see under the clock. Ladies'º circle: cloaks may be left. Pit, prommer and parterre:º standing room only. Habituels conspicuously emergent.
Aº baser meaning has been read into these characters the literal sense of which decency can safely scarcely hint. It has been blurtingly bruited by certain wisecrackers (the stinks of
Mohorat are in the nightplots of the morning)º that he suffered from a vile disease. Athma, unmanner them! To such a suggestion the one selfrespecting answer is to affirm that
there are certain statements which ought not to be and,º one should like to hope to be able to add, ought not to be allowed to be made. Nor have his detractors, who, an imperfectly warmblooded race, apparently conceive him as a great white
caterpillarº capable of any and every enormity in the calendar recorded to the discredit of the Juke and Kellikek families, mended their case by insinuating that,
alternativelyº, he lay at one time under the ludicrous imputation of annoying Welshº fusiliers in the people's park.
Hay, hay, hay! Hoq, hoq, hoq! Faun and Flora on the lea love that little old joq. To anyone
who knew and loved the Christlikenessº of the big cleanminded giant H. C. Earwicker throughout his excellency long vicefreegal existence the mere suggestion of him as a lustsleuth nosing for trouble in a boobytrap rings particularly preposterous. Truth, beard on prophet,º compels one to add that there is said to have been quondam (pfuit! pfuit!)º some case of the kind implicating, it is interdum believed, a quidam (if he did not exist it would be necessary quoniam to invent him) abhoutº that time stambuling haround Dumbaling in leaky sneakers with his tarrk recordº who has remained topantically anonymosº but (let us hue him Abdullah Gamellaxarksky) was, it is stated, posted at Mallon'sº at the instance of watch warriors of the vigilance committeeº and years afterwards, cries one evenº greater, Ibid, a commender of the frightful,º seemingly, unto such as were sulhan sated, tropped head (pfiat! pfiat!)º waiting his first of the month froods turn for thatt chopp pah kabbakksº alicubi on the old house for the chargehard, Roche Haddocks off Hawkins Streetº. Lowe, you blondy liar, Gob scene you in the narked place and she what's edith atº home defileth these boyles! There's a cabful of bash indeed in the homeur of that meal. Slander, let it lie its flattest, has never been able to convict ourº good and great and no ordinary Southron Earwicker, that homogenius man, as aº pious author callsº him, of any graver impropriety than that, advanced by some woodwards or regardersº who did not dare deny, the shomers, that they had, chin Ted, chin Tam, chinchin Taffyd,º that day consumed their soul of the corn, of having behaved with anº ongentilmensky immodus opposite a pair of dainty maidservants in the swoolth of the rushy hollow whither, or so the two gown and pinners pleaded, Dame Natureº in all innocency had spontaneously and about the same hour of the eventide sent them both but whose published combinations of silkinlaine testimonies are, where not dubiously pure, visibly divergent, as warptº from wept, on minor points touching the intimate nature of this, a first offence in vert or venison which was admittedly an incautious but, at its wildest, a partial exposure with such attenuating circumstances (garthen gaddeth green hwere sokeman hridethº girling) as an abnormal Saint Swithin's summer and (Jesses Rosasharon!)º a ripe occasion to provoke it.º
Weº can't do without them. Wives,º rush to the restgownsº! Ofman will toman while led is the lol. Zessid's our kadem, villapleach, vollapluck. Fikup, for flesh Nellijº, el mundo nov, oleº flen! If she's a lilyth, pull early! Pauline, allow! And malers abushed, keep black, keep black!
Guiltlessº of much laid to him he was clearly for soº once at least he clearly andº with still a trace of his erstwhile burr expressed himself as
beingº and hence it has been received of us that it is true. They tell the story (an amalgam
as absorbing as calzium chloereydes and hydrophobe sponges
could make it) how one happy-go-gustyº Ides-of-Aprilº morning (the anniversary,º as it fell out,º of his first assumption of his mirthday suit and rights in appurtenance to the confusioning of human races) ages andº ages after the alleged misdemeanour when the tried friend of all creation,º tigerwood roadstaff to his stay,º was billowing across the wide expanse of our greatest park in his caoutchouc kepi and great belt and hideinsacks and his blaufunx fustian and ironsides jackboots and Bhagafat gaiters and his rubberised invernessº he METº a cad with a pipe. The latter, the luciferant not the oriuolate, who (the odds are) is still berting dagoboutº in the same straw bamer, carryingº his overgoat under his schulder, sheepside out, so as to look more like a coumfry gentleman and signing the pledge as gaily as you please,º hardily accosted him with: Guinness thawº tool in jew me dinner ouzelº fin?º (a nice how-do-you-doº in Poolblack at the timeº as some of our olddaisers may still tremblinglyº recall) to ask could he tell him how much a'clockº it was that the clock struck had he any idea by o'cock'sº luck as his watch was bradys. Hesitency was clearly to be evitated. Execration as cleverly to be honnisoid. The Earwicker of that spurring instant, realising on fundamental liberal principles the supreme importance, nexally and noxally, of physical life (the nearest help relay being pingpingº K.O.º Senpatrick'sº Day and the fenian risingº) and unwishfulº as he felt of being hurled into eternity right then, plugged by a softnosed bullet from the sap, halted, quick on the draw,º and,º replyinº that he wasº feelinº tipstaff, cue, prodooced from his gunpocket his Jurgensen's shrapnel waterbury, ours by communionism, his by usucapture, but, on the same stroke, hearing above the skirling of harsh Mother Eastº old Fox Goodman, the bellmaster,º over the wastes to south, at work upon the ten ton tonuant thunderous tenor toller in the speckled church (Couhounin's call!),º told the inquiring kidder, by Johovaº, it was twelve of em sidereal and tankard time,º addingº buttall, as he bended deeply, with smoked sardinish breath,º to give more pondus to the copperstick he presented (though this seems in some cumfusium with the chapstuck ginger which, as being of sours, acids, salts, sweets and bitters compompounded, we know him to have used as chawchaw for bone, muscle, blood, flesh and vimvitals),º that whereas the hakusay accusation againstm had been made, what was wellº known in high quarters, asº was stood stated in Morganspostº, by a creature in youman form who was quite beneath parr and several degrees lower than yore triplehydrad snake. In greater support of his word (it, quaint anticipation of a famous phrase, hasº been reconstricted out of oral style into the verbal for all time with ritual rhythmics, in quiritary quietude, and toosammenstucked from successive accounts by Noah Webster in the redaction known as the Sayings Attributiveº
of H. C. Earwickerº, prize oneº schillings, postlots free)º the flaxen Gygas tapped his chronometrum drumdrum and, now standing full erectº above the ambijacent floodplain,º scene of its happenence,º with one Berlin gauntlet chopstuck in the hough of his ellboge (by ancientest signlore his gesture meaning: yº!) pointed at an angle of thirtytwo degrees towards his duc de Fer'sº overgrown milestone as theº fellow to his gageº andº after a readypresentº pauseº averred with solemn emotion's fire: Shsh shake, co-comeraid!º Me only, them five ones, he is equal combat. I have won straight. Hence my no-nationwideº hotel and creamery establishments which for the honours of our mewmew mutual daughters, credit me, I am woowoo willing to take my stand, sir, upon the monument, that sign of our ruru redemption, any hygienic day to this hour and to make my hoath to my dearº sinnfinners, even if I get life for it, upon the Open Bibleº and befuº before the Great Taskmaster's eyeº (I lift my hat!)º and in the Presenceº of the Deity Itself andwell of Bishop and Mrs Michan of High Church of England as of all such of said my immediate withdwellers and of every living sohole in every corner wheresoever of this globe in general which useth of my British to my backbone tongue and commutative justice that there is not one tittle of truth, allow me to tell you, in that purest of fibfib fabrications.
Gaping Gill, swift to mate errthors, stern to checkself, diagnosingº through hisº eustacetube that it was to make with a markedly
postpuberal hyperpituitaryº type of Heidelbergmannleichº cavern
ethics,º lufted his slopingforward, bad Sweatagore good murrough and
dublnotch on to it as he was greedly obliged, and like a sensible ham, with infinite tact in the delicate situation seen the touchy nature of its
perilous theme, thanked um for guilders received and theº time of day (not a little token abock all theº same that that was owl the
God's clock it was) and, upon humble duty to greet his Tyskminister and he shall gildthegap Gaper and thee his a mouldy voids, went about his business,º whoever it
was, saluting corpses, as a metter of corseº (one could hound him out had one hart to,º for the monticules of scalp and dandruff droppings blaze his trail),º accompanied by his trusty
snarlerº and his permanent reflection,º verbigracious:º I have met with you, bird, too late, or if
not, too worm and early:º and erebusquedº with tag for
ildiotº in his secondmouth language as many of the bigtimer's verbaten words which he could balbly call to memory that same kveldeve, ere the hour of
|shthe twattering of bards in the twitterlitter between Druidia and the Deepsleep Sea,sh| when
suppertide and souvenir to Charlatan Mall jointly kem gently and along the quiet darkenings of Grand and Royal, ff, flitmansfluh, and, kk, 't crept i' hedge whenas to many a softtongue'sº
pawkytalk mude unswer u sufter poghyyoghº, Arvanda always aquiassent, while, |shstudying
the blowne and studding cowshots over the noransh|, he spat in careful convertedness a musaic dispensation about his hearthstone, if you pleasesº (Irish saliva, mawshe dho hole, but would a respectable prominently connected fellow of Iro-European ascendances with welldressed ideas who knew the correct thing such as Mr Shallwesigh or Mr Shallwelaugh expectorate after such a callous fashion, no,º thank yous! when he had his belcher spuckertuck in his pucket, pthuck?),º musefed with his thockitsº after having supped of the dish sot and pottage which he snobbishly dabbed Peach Bombay (it is rawly only Lukanpukan pilzenpie which she knows which senaffed and pibered him),º a supreme of excelling peasº balled under minnshogue's milk into whitemaltº winesour, a proviandº the littlebilker hoarsely relished, chaff it, in the snevel season, being as fain o't as your rat wi' fennelº; and on this celebrating occasion of the happy escape, for a crowning of pot valiance, hisº regional platter, benjamin of bouillisº, with a spolish olive to middlepoint its zaynith, was marrying itself (porkograso!)º very deluxiously with a bottle of Phenice-Bruerie '98, followed for second nuptials by a Piessporter, Grand Cruº, of both of which cherished tablelights (though humble the bounquet 'tis a leaman's farewell) he obdurately sniffed the cobwebcrusted corks.
Our cad's bit of strifeº (knee Bareniece Maxwelton) with a quick ear for spittoonsº (as the aftertale hath it) glaned up as usual with dumbestic husbandry (no persicks and armelians for thee, Pomeranzia!) but, slipping the clav in her claw, broke of the matter among a hundred and eleven others in her usual curtsey (how faint these first vhespers womanly are, a secret pispigliando, amad the lavurdy den of their manfolkenº!) the next night nudge oneº as was Hegesippus over oº hup a' chee, |shher eys dry and small and speech thicklishsh| |shbecause he appeared a funny coloursh| like he couldn't stood they old hens no longer, to her particular reverend, the director,º whom she had been meaning in her mind primarily to speak with (hosch, intra! jist a timblespoon!),º trusting, between cuppled lips and annie laurieº promises (mighshe never have Esnekerry pudden come Annanovº for her pecklapitschens!),º that the gossiple so delivered in his epistolear, |shburied teatoastally in their Irish stewsh|,º would slipº no further than his jesuit's cloth, yet (in vinars venitas! volatiles valetotum!) it was this overspoiled priest,º Mr Browne, disguised as a vicentianº, who, when seized of the facts, was overheard, in his secondary personality as a Nolan,º and underearedº, poul soul, by accident — if, that is, the incidentº was an accident for here the ruah of Ecclectiastes of Hippo outpuffs the writress of Havvah-ban-Annah — to pianissime a slightly varied version of Crookedrib'sº confidentials (what Mère Aloyse said but for Jesuphine's sake!),º hands between hahands, in fealty sworn (my bravor best! my fraur!),º and, to the strains of The Secret of Her Birth,º hushly pierce the rubiend aurellamº of one Philly Thurnston,º a layteacher of rural science and orthophonethics of a nearstoutº figure and about the middle of his forties,º during a priestly flutter for safe and sane bets at the hippic runfields of breezy Baldoyle on a date (W. W. goes through the cardº) easily capable of rememberance by all pickersupº of events national and Dublinº details, the doubles of Perkin and Paullock, peer and prole, when the classic Encourage Hackney Plate was captured by two noses in a stablecloth finish, ekº and nek, some and none, evelo nevelo, from the cream colt Bold Boy Cromwell after a clever getaway by Captain Chaplain Blount's roe hinny Saint Dalough (Drummer Coxon nondepict third)º at breakneck odds, thanks to you,º great little, bonny little, portey littleº Winny Widger!º you're all their nappies! who in his neverrip mud and purpular cap was surely leagues unlike any other phantomweight that ever toppitº our timber maggies.
'Twas two pisonouseº Timcoves (the wetter is pest, the renns are overt and come and the voax of the turfur is hurled on our lande) of the name ofº Treacle Tom, as was just out of pop following the theft of a leg of Kehoe, Donnellyº and Pakenham'sº Finnish pork,º and his own blood and milk brother Frisky Shorty (he was, to be exquisitely punctilious about them, both shorty and frisky),º a tipsterº come off the hulks,º both of them awful poor, what was out on the bumaroundº for an oofbirdº game for a jimmy o'goblinº or a small thick un as chanced, while the Seaforths was making the colleenbawl, to ear wick their own hearsº the passon in the motor clobberº make use of his law language (Edzo, Edzo on)º touchin the case of Mr Adams what was in all the sundays about it which he was rubbing noses with and having a gurgle off his own along of the butty bloke in the specs.
This Treacle Tom, to whom reference has been made,º had been absent from his usual wild and woollyº
haunts in the |shland of counties capalleenssh| for some time previous to that (he was, in fact, in
the habit of frequenting common lodginghouses where he slept in a nude state, hailfellow with meth,
in strange men's cots) but on racenight, blotto after divers tots of hell fire, red biddy, bull dog,
blue ruin and creeping jenny, Englandine'sº choicest herbage, supplied by the Duck and Doggies, the Galopping Primrose, Brigid Brewster's,
the Cock, the Postboy's Horn, the Little Old Man's and, all swell that aimswell,º the Cup and the Stirrup,º he sought his wellwarmed
leababobed in a housingroomº Abide With Oneanotherº at Block W.W. (why didn't he back it?),º
Pump Court, The Liberties,º and, what with moltapuke on voltapuke, resnored alcoh alcoho alcoherently to the burden of
|shI come, my horse delayed,ºsh| nom num, the substance of the tale of the evangelical bussybozzy and the
rusinurbean (the “girls”º he would keep calling them for the collarette and skirt, the sunbonnet and carnation) in parts (it seemed he was before the eyots of martas or otherwales the thirds of fossilyears, he having beham with katya when lavinias had her mens lease to sea in a pumpshipº doodly show whereat he was looking for fight niggers with whilde roarses) oft in the chilly night (the metagonistic! the |shepickthalamoroussh|!) during uneasy slumber in their hearings of a small and stonybroke cashdraper'sº ex-executive,º Peter Cloran (discharged),º O'Mara, an ex-privateº secretary of no fixed abode (locally known as Mildew Lisa)º who had passed several nights, funnish enough, in a doorway under the blankets of homelessness on the bunk of icelond,º pillowed upon the stone of destiny colder than man's knee or woman's breast, and Hosty (no slouch of a name),º an illstarred beachbuskerº who, sans rootie and sans scrapie, suspicioning as how he was setting on a twoodstool on the verge of selfabyss, most starved, with melancoholiaº over everything in general (night birman, you served him with natigal's nano!),º had been towhead tossing on his shakedown, devising ways and mannersº of meansº of what he loved to ifidalicence somehow or other in the nation getting a hold of some chap's parabellum in the hope of taking a wing sociable and lighting upon a sidewheel dive somewhere off the Dullkey Downlairy and Bleakrooky tramaline where he could throw true and go and blow the sibicidal napper off himself for two bits to boldywell balditudeº in the peace and quitybus of a one sure shot bottle, he after having being trying all he knew with the lady's help of Madam Grisstleº for upwards of eighteen colandersº to get out of Sir Patrick Dun's, through Sir Humphrey Jervis'sº and into the Saint Kevin's bed in the Adelaida'sº hosspittlesº (from these incurable welleslays among those uncarable wellasdays through Sant Iago by his cocklehatº good Lazarº deliver us!) without after having been able to jerrywangle it anysides. Lisa O'Deavis and Roche Mongan (whoº had so much incommonº, epipsychidically,º if the phrase be permitted,º hostis et odor insuper petroperfractus) as an understood thingº slept their sleep of the swimborne in the one sweet undulant mother of tumblerbunks with Hosty just how the shavers in the shaw, theº yokels in the yoats or, well, the wasters in the wilde, and the bustling tweeny dawn-of-all-worksº (meed of anthems here we pant!) had not been many jiffies furbishing potlids, doorbrasses, scholars'º applecheeks and linkboys'º metals when, ashhopperminded like no fella he go make bakenbeggfuss longa white man, the rejuvenated busker (for after a goodnight's rave and rumble and a shinkhams topmorning with his coexes he was not the same man) and his broadawake bedroom suite (our boys, as our Byron called them) were up and ashuffle from the hogshome they lovenaned The Barrel, cross Ebblinn's chilled hamlet (theirº routes and restings on their then
superficies curiously correspondent withº those linesº and puncta where our tubenny habenny metro maniplumbs below the oberflake underrails and stations at this time of riding) to the thrummings of a crewth fiddle which, cremoaning and cronauning, levey grevey, witty and wevey, appy, leppy and playable, caressed the ears of the subjects of King Saint Finnerty the Festive,º who, in brick homes of their own and in their flavoryº fraiseberry beds, heeding hardly cry of honeyman, sweetº lavender or foyneboyne salmon alive, with their priggish mouths all open for the larger appraisiation of this longawaited Messiagh of roaratorios, were only halfpast alsweeeep,º and,º after a brisk pause |shat a pawnbroking establishment for the prothetic purpose of redeeming the songster's truly admirable false teethsh| and a prolonged visit to a house of call, fizz, the Old Sots' Hole at Cujas Place inº the parish of Saint Cecily within the liberty of Ceolmore not a thousand or one national leagues, that was, by Griffith's valuation,º from the site of the statue of Primewer Glasstone setting a match to the march of a maker (lastº of the stewards peut-être),º where, the tale rambles along, the trio of whackfolthediddlers was joined by a further-intentions-apply-tomorrowº casual and a decent sort of the hadbeen variety who had just been touching the weekly insult, phew itº, and all figblabbersº (who saith of noun?) had stimulants in the shape of gee and gees stood by the damn decent sort after which stag luncheon and a few ones more just to celebrate yesterday, flushed with their firestufffosteredº friendship, the rascals came out of the licensed premises (Browneº first, the small p.s. ex-ex-executiveº capahand in their sad rear like a lady's postscript: I want money. Pleasend.)º wiping their laughleaking lipes on their sleeves,º how the bouckaleens shout their roscan generally (seinn fion, seinn fion's araun!),º and the rhymers' world was with reason the richer for a wouldbe ballad, toº the balladeerº of which the world of |shcumannity singingsh| owes a tribute for having placed on the planet's melomap his lay of the vilest bogeyer but most attractionable avatar the world has ever had to explain for.
This, more krectly,º lubeenº or
|shfellow-me-liederºsh| was first poured forth where Riau
Liviau riots and Coloº de Houdo humps, under the shadow of the monument of the shouldhavebeen legislator (Eleutheriodendron! Spare,º
woodmann, spare!) to an overflow meeting of all the nations in Lenster fullyfillingº the visional area and, as a
singleminded supercrowd, easily representative, what with masks, whet with faces, of all
sections and cross sections (wineshop and cocoahouse poured out to brim up the broaching) of our
liffeysideº people (to omitº mention of the mainland minority and such as had wayfared viaº
Watling, Ernin, Icknild and Stane:º inº chief a halted cockney car with its quotal of Hardmuth's hacks, a northern tory, a southern whig, an eastanglian chronicler and a landwester guardian) ranging
from slips of young dublinos from Cutpurse Row having nothing better to do than walk about with their hands in their kneepants, sucking airwhackers, weedulicet, jumbobricks, side by side with truant officers, three woollen balls and poplin in search of a croust of pawn to busy professional gentlemen, a brace of palesmen with dundrearies, nooning toward Daly's, fresh from snipehitting and mallardmissing on Rutland Heath, exchangingº cold sneers, massgoing ladies from Hume Street in their chairs,º the bearers baited, some wandering hamalags out of the adjacent cloverfieldsº of Mosse's Gardens, an oblate father from Skinner'sº Alley, bricklayers, a fleming in tabinet,º fumant, with spouse and dog, an aged hammersmith who had some chisellersº by the handº, a bout of cudgel players, not a few sheepº with the braxy, two bluecoat scholars, four broke gents out of Simpson's on the Rocks, a portly and a pert still tassing Turkey coffeeº and orange shrub in Hickey'sº door, Peter Pim and Paul Fry and then Elliot and, O, Atkinson, suffering hell's delights from the blains of their annuitants' acorns,º not forgetting a deuce of dianas ridy for the hunt, a particularist prebendary pondering on the roman easterº, the tonsure question and greek uniatesº, plunk em, a lace lappet head or two or three or four from a window, and so on down to a few good old souls who,º as they were juiced after taking their pledge over at the uncle's place, were evidently under the spell of liquor from the wake of Tarry the Tailor,º a fair girl, a jolly postoboy thinking off three flagons and one,º a plumodrole, a halfsirº from the weaver's almshouse who clings and clings and chatchatchat clings to her, a wholedam's,º cloudhued pittycoatº as child, as curiolater, as Caoch O'Leary.
Theº wararrow went round, so it did (a nation wants a gaze),º and the ballad,º in the felibrine trancoped metre affectioned by Taiocebo in his Casudas de Poulichinello Artahut, stumpstampaded on to a slip of blancovide and headed by an excessively rough and red woodcut,º privately printed at the rimepress of Delville, soon fluttered its secret on white highway and brown byway to the rose of the winds and the blew of the gaels,º from greenº archway to goldº lattice and from black hand to pink ear, village crying to village,º through the five pussyfours of the united statesº of Scotia Picta — andº he who denayesº it, may his hairs be rubbed in dirt!º
Toº the added strains (so peacifold)º of his majesty the flute, that onecrooned king of inscrewments, Piggott's purest,
ciello alsoliuto, which Mr Delaney (Mr Delacey?), horn, anticipating a perfect downpour of plaudits among the rapsods, piped out of his decentsoort hat, looking still more
like his purseyful namesake as men of Gaul noted, but before of to sputabout, the snowycrested curl amoist the leader's wild and moulting
hair,º “Ductor”º Hitchcock hoisted his fezzy fuzz at bludgeon's height, signum to his
companions of the chalice,º for “the Loud Fellow, boys”º and “silentium in curia!”º (our maypole once more where he rose ofº old!)º and the canto was chantied there, chorussedº and christened,º by the old tollgate, Saint Annona's Street and Church.
And around the lannº the rann it rann and this is the rann that Hosty made.º Spoken. Boyles and Cahills, Skerretts and Pritchards, viersified and piersified,º may the treeth we tale of live in stoney. Here linesº the refrains of. Some vote him Vike, some mote him Mike, some dub him Llyn and Phin while others hail him Lug, Bug, Dan,º Lop, Lex, Lax, Gunne or Guinn. Some apt him Arth, some bapt him Barth, Coll, Noll, Soll, Will, Wellº, Wall,º but I parse him Persse O'Reilly else he's called no name at all. Together. Arrah, leave it to Hosty, frosty Hosty, leave it to Hosty for he's the mann to rhyme the rann, the rann, the rann,º the king of all wrannsº. Have you here? (Someº ha) Have we where? (Someº hant) Have you hered? (Othersº do) Have we whered? (Othersº dont) It's cumming! It'sº brumming! The clip, the clop!º (All cla) Glass crash. THE (klikkaklakkaklaskaklopatzklatschabattacreppycrottygraddaghsemmihsammihnouithappluddyappladdypkonpkot!)º
BALLAD OF PERSSE O'REILLYº
(as sung by Phoblacht)º
Music by O. Gianni! blank Words by A. Hames¡º
Sh sh sh! Sh sh sh! Sh! Sh! Sh!º
Have you heard of one Humpty Dumpty
How he fell with a roll and a rumble
And curled up like Lord Olofa Crumple
By the butt of the Magazine Wallº,
(Chorus) Of the Magazine Wallº,
Hump, helmet and all?º
He was one time our king of the castleº
Now he's kicked about like a rotten old parsnipº
And from Green Streetº he'll be sent by order of His Worship
To the penal jail of Mountjoy,º
(Chorus) To the jail of Mountjoy.º
Jail him and joy.
He was fafafather of all schemes for to bother us
Slow coaches and immaculate contraceptives for the populace,º
Mare's milk for the sick, seven dry Sundays a week,
Openair love and religion's reform,
(Chorus) And religious reform,
Hideous in form.
Arrah, why, says you, couldn't he manage it?
I'll go bail, my fine dairyman darling,
Like the bumping bull of the Cassidys
All your butter is in your horns.
(Chorus) His butter is in his horns.
Butter his horns!
(Repeat) Hurrah there, Hosty, frosty Hosty, change that shirt on ye!º Rhymeº the rann, the king of all ranns!º
We had chaw chaw chops, chairs, chewing gum, the chickenpox and china chambers
Universally provided by this softsoapingº salesman.
Small wonder He'll Cheat E'erawan our local lads nicknamed him
When Chimpden first took the floor
(Chorus) With his bucketshop store
Down Bargainweg, Lower.
So snug he was in his hotel premises sumptuous
But soon we'll bonfire all his trash, tricks and trumpery
And 'tisº short till Sheriffº Clancy'll be winding up his unlimited company
With the bailiff's bom at the door,
(Chorus) Bimbam at the door.
Then he'll bum no more.
Sweet bad luck on the waves washed to our island
The hooker of that hammerfast viking
And Gall's curse on the day when Eblana Bayº
Saw his black and tan man-o'-war,º
(Chorus) Saw his man-o'-warº
On the harbour bar.
Where from? roars Poolbeg. Cookingha'pence, he bawls,º Donnezmoi scampitle,º wick an wipin' fampinyº
Fingal MacOscar Onesimeº Bargearse Boniface
Thok's min gammelhole Norveegickesº moniker
Og as ay are at gammelholeº Norveegickesº cod.
(Chorus) A Norwegian cameloldº cod.
He is, begod.
Lift it, Hosty, lift it, ye devil ye! Upº with the rann,º the rhyming rann!
It was during some freshwaterº garden pumping
Or, according to the Nursing Mirror, while admiring the monkeys
That our heavyweight heathen Humpharey
Made bold a maid to woo.º
(Chorus) Woohoo, what'll she doo!
The general lost her maidenloo!
He ought to blush for himself, the old hayheaded philosopher,º
For to go and shove himself that way on top of her.º
Begob, he's the crux of the catalogue
Of our antediluvial zoo,
(Chorus) Messrs Billing and Coo.
Noah's larks, good as noo.
He was joulting by Wellinton's monument
Our rotorious hippopopotamuns
When some bugger let down the backtrap of the omnibus
And he caught his death of fusiliers,
(Chorus) With his rent in his rears.
Give him six years.
'Tis sore pity for his innocent poor children
But look out for his missus legitimate!º
When that frew gets a grip of old Earwicker
Won't there be earwigs on the green?º
(Chorus) Big earwigs on the green,
The largest ever youº seen.
Suffoclose! Shikespower! Seudodanto! Anonymoses!
Then we'll have a free trade Gaels' band and mass meeting
For to sod the brave son of Scandiknaveryº
And we'll bury him down in Oxmanstown
Along with the devil and Danes,
(Chorus) With the deaf and dumb Danes,
And all their remains.
And not all the king's men nor his horses
Will resurrect his corpus
For there's no true spell in Connacht or hell
(bis) That's able to raise a Cain.