— Sir, to you! Here we are again! I am bubub brought up under a camel act of dynasties long since out of print, the first of Sitric Silkenbeard, but I am known throughout the world wherever my good Allenglisch is spoken, as this is, protested by saints and
sinners eyeeye alike as a cleanliving man and, as a matter of fact, by my halfwife, I think how our public at large appreciates it most highly from me that I am as cleanliving as could be and that my game was a fair average since I perpetually kept my ouija ouija wicket up. On my very wife I never was nor can afford to be guilty of breach, crim crig con, or trespass against parson with the person of a youthful girl frifrif friend named Apples when I would feel of her unripe ones, as it should prove far too baad to my reputation for daughters-in-trade being lightly clad. And as a mere matter of fact I tell of myself how I popo possess the ripest little wife around the globes on which she was raping away first with the consolation prize in my serial dreams of fair women, handicapped by two breasts in opera tops. I kickkick keenly love
such, particularly while savouring of their flavours at their most perfect best when served with heliotrope eyelips, as this is, where I do drench my jolly soul on the pupure beauty of hers past.
She is my bestpreserved wholewife in Evans's eye, with the smallest shoenumber outside of Chinatins. They are jolly dainty. May we not recommend them? And, alas, our private chaplain, an always sadfaced man, who has visited our various hard hearts and reins by imposition of fufuf fingers, can speak loud to you some quite complimentary things about my clean characteracting even, when
detected, in the dark, painful though such recital prove to me, as this is, when I introduced her to our fourposter singing in our altogether homesweetened gleegloom there's gnome sweeplaces like theresweep Norwage. By whom, as you all know as a matter of pure fact, dear humans, of a child one of the ambitions of my yougend from an early peepee period intended for broadchurch, I was
confirmed in bed by our bujibuji beloved curate-author. Michael Angel is your man. Let Michael tell you people here in his clairaudience, as this is, as only our own Michael can to bring ruptures to our roars how I am amp amplify Guinness's Ornery fortninehalf. Shaun Shemsen saywhen saywhen. Livpoomark lloyrge hoggs one four tupps noying. Sorry! Thnkyou! Thatll beall fortoday.
Call it off! Godnat, vrybolly! Abbreciades York gustoms. Kyow! Tak! It is truly most immusin. Colt's tooth! I protest there is not one teaspoonspill of evidence to my baad as you shall see, as this is, Keemun Lapsang of first pickings. And I contango I can take off my dudud my dirtynine articles of quoting here before those in heaven to enter into my preprotestant Caveat against the pupup publication of libel by any Ticks Tipsylon to that highest personage at moments holding down the throne. The caca cad! I protest it that he is, by my wipehalf! Shame upon pipip Private M—! Shames on his foulsomeness! Shamus on his lulul lying suulen! And to my lot it fell on my sexsex, my sexencentenary, when I holded up to His Mam His Mamam His Maggerstick the keys of our city on his pricelist charger with my allbum's greethims: Hearty Congrandyoulikethems, Excellency!
Whosaw dares at handgripper thisa breast? Adversarian! First liar in landend. Man sicker at I are bluffit konservateve? Shucks! Such bughouse filth so I cannot barely conceive of! The brknhrtd vlln! Hole affair is rotten pig's draff!
— Is that yu, Whitehead?
— Have you Headnoise now?
— Give us your muddy reception, will yous?
— Pass the fish for Christ' sake!
Old Whitehowth is speaking again. Pity poor Whiteoath! Dear gone mumum mummeries, goby! Tell the woyld I have livet true thousand hells. Pity, please, lady, for poor O. W. in this profoundest snobbing I have caught. Nine dirty years mine age, hairs white, mummery failing, deaf as Adder, I askt you, dear lady, to judge on my tree by our fruits. I gave you of the tree. I gave two smells, two eats. My happybossoms, my allfalling fruits of my boom. Pity poor Haveth Children Everywhere with Mudder!
That was Communicator, a former colonel. He
has had some indiejestings, poor thing, for quite a little while. Poor Felix Culaper! So enjoying of old while, in tall white hat of four reflections, he would puffout a smokeful bock! The voice is still flutish and its mounth still wears that soldier scarlet though the hairs, alas, are peppered with silver. It is bycause of what he was ascend into his prisons on account of. Hence he's deepressed words. It looks like someone else bearing my burdens. I cannot let it. Cans nought.
Well, sir, I have bared my whole past on both sides. Give me even my two months by laxlaw in second division and my first broadcloth is business will be to protest if it does not occur again. I am here to tell you I am thoughtful to become a Selt. A man should stump up and I will pay my pretty decent trade price for my glueglue glucose, peebles, were it even, as this is, the legal eric for
wholewiping clean infelicitous conduct and, as a matter of fact, I undertake to discontinue all practices
and I deny in toto at my own request in all stoutness to have confermentated and agreed with a friend from mine, Mr Billups, whom I have called good, to buy a mouthless niggeress, Blanchette Brewster, which would seem eggseggs excessively harroween to my feelimbs, for eight punt scotch. The preumption
of her! Improbable! Or to have resold same, best Bristol, high yellow, no outings, cent for cent on Auction's Bridge. Utterly improperable! So help me Cash!
My herrings! Her bare idears, it is too chucklesome. Absurd bargain, mum, will call. One line, with! One line, with, with! The two cherrypickers Lizzy and Lissy Mycock I would not know to contact them in my ways from Adam or any heiresses of theirs, claiming by, through, or under them. What a shrubbery trick to play! Hear this! I will put my oathhead under my whitepot and will stand me where I
stood mine in all free heat by our most monolith, after my both earstoear and brebreeches buybibles and public testify to my virtue by the longstone erection of our allfirst manhere. I should tell you that honestly, on my honour of a Nearwicked, I always think (in a wordsworth of Shopkeeper) as my best policy I have had my master's lesson and do you know, homesters, I honestly think if I have
failed lamentably by accident benefits I have made of my prudentials good. Have I said how I abhor myself vastly (truth to tell) and do repent me to my nether heart of sundry clothing? The amusin part is, I will say that since I ran a selection here in Hoplinstown, under our good kingsabout Urban First and Champaign Cholly, where my toils of domestication first began, famine has teetotally seceded
from this landleague of many nations.
I have reared my hut in the night and at morn I was encompassed of mushroofs: the more secretly bi built, the more openly plastered. I considered the lilies on the veldt and unto Balkis did I disclothe mine glory. Lo, I have looked long upon my pompadours in their easancies and my drummers have told tall tales of me in the land. Wherefore has my sovereign lord regards for me and he has given to me my neckname which is second fiddler to nomen. Idle were it to inquire whether I, huddledtogether, be the massproduct of teamwork or I, draggedasunder, the forced outcome of group marriage for, surrounded by obscurity, most surely I pretend by virtue of creation and by boon of promise my naturalborn freeman's journeyman right to opt for simultaneous. So be Hek! Verily! Verily!
— What is your numb? Bun!
— Who gave you that numb? Poo!
— Have you put in all your spare pennies? I'm listening. Sree!
— Keep clear of propennies! Kore!
Invisible friends! I maymay mean to say. Annoyin part of it was, had my faithful Fulvia, following the courses of this world, turned her back on her ways to go on the hills in search of brunette men of Iarland, Chief Nightcloud by the Deeps and Chief Goes-in-Blackwater and Chief Northpaw and Chief Brown Pool, or, again, had Fluvia left her crookcrook crocus bed at the bare
suggestions of some bywaymen
who would have abused of her there might accrue advantage to ask. Yet know of old it was vastly otherwise as I heartily aver, for Fulvia Fluvia ever did ensue the thinge that pertained unto fairness. Even so. For I waged love on her: and spoiled her undines: and she wept. O my lors!
But I was firm with her. And I did take the hand of my delights, my jealousy, and did raft her riverworthily and did lead her overland the pace, whimpering by Kevin's port and Hurdlesford and Gardener's Mall to Ringsend Ferry
: and there, on wavebrink, did I uplift my magicianer's puntpole and I bade those pollyfizzyboisterous seas to retire with himselves from os (rookwards, thou seasea stammerer!) and I abridged with domfine Norsemanship her maiden race, my baresark bride, and knew her fleshly when with all my bawdy did I her worship, min bryllupswipe: Heaven, he hallthundered; Heydays, he flung blissforhers. And I cast my tenspan joys on her by dint of strongbow, so strong we were in one, malestream and shegulf: and I thumbringed and tradesmanmarked her mine for all and singular
and I chained a name and wedlock round her the which to carry till her grave, my dirty deary: and I did encompass her about, my vermincelly vinegarette, with all loving kindness as far as in man's might it lay and enfranchised her to liberties of fringes: and I gave until my lilienyounger turkeythighs soft goods and hardware and fine ladderproof hosiery lines and potted fleshmeats and pennigsworths of the best of taste of geegaws of my pretty novelties and wispy frocks of redferns and lauralworths such as women cattle wear, La Primamère, Pyrrha Pyrrhine, Or de Reinebeau, Sourire d'Hiver, and a crinoline, wide a shire, and pattens for her trilibies for all daintiness by teatime: and I wound around my swanchen's neckplace a school of joys of moyles marine to ring their seabells in her silence: and, upping her as king's count, I pierced her beak with order of the
Danabrog: and I hung up at Yule my pigmy suns for the supperhour of my frigid one through all Livania from the topazolites of Mourne by Arklow's sapphire seamanslure and Waterford's hook and crook lights to the polders of Hy Kinsella:
and I fed her, my carleen, my little lean steer, upon spiceries for her garbage breath, italics of knobbyleek and swinespepper and gothakrauts: and to my saffronbreathing mongoloid I gave powlver and gentle oils for the swarthy face on her and handewers and loinscrubbers and a currycomb to tease her tuzzy out and clubmoss and wolvesfoot for her more moister wards: and for my shopsoiled doveling I did devise my prizeless telltale sports at evenbread to wring her withers limberly, bray and spinado and ranter-go-round: and I built in Urbs in Rure for mine elskede, my shiny brows, an earthcloset wherewithin to be quit in most convenience from her sabbath needs: and I did reform and restore for my smuggy piggiesknees her paddypalace on the crossknoll and I added thereunto a shallow laver to put out her hellfire and posied windows for her oriel house and she sass her nach, chillybombom and forty bonnets, upon the altarstane, may all have mossyhonours!
And hail or rain or drizzle or sleet, with fairskin
book and ruling rod I did learn my little anna countrymouse in alpabeater cameltemper, from alderbirch to tannenyou, with my rattan at her drum ooah oyir oyir oyir: and I did spread before my Livvy my selvage mats of softest lawn: and I planted for my own hot lass a vineyard and I fenced it about with huge Chesterfield elms and Kentish hops against budmonth and gleanermonth: and (hush! hush!) I brewed for my alpine plurabelle (speakeasy!) my brandold Dublin lindub, the free, the froh, the frothy freshener, the pusspuss pussyfoot, to split the spleen of her maw: and I laid down before the trotters of my eblanite my stonybattered waggonways, my nordsoud circulums, my eastmoreland and westlandmore,
whereon, in mask of truemen like yahoomen, the mule and the hinny and the jennet and the mustard nag and piebald Shetlands and skewbald Orkneys stepped lively for her pleashadure (lift ye the left and rink ye the right!): and she lafaughed in her diddydid domino to the switcheries of the whip. Down with them! Kick! Playyup!
— Mattahah! Marahah! Luahah! Joahanahanahana!