Concerning the genesis of Harold or Humphrey |2Coxon's Chimpden's2| agnomen and discarding once for all those theories from older
sources which would link him back with such pivotal ancestors as the Glues, the Gravys and theº Earwickers of Sidham in the
Hundred of Manhoodº or proclaim him a descendant of vikings who had founded or settled in Herrick or Eric,º the best authenticated version has it that it was this way. We are told how
|2in the beginning2| it came to pass that,º like cabbaging
Cincinnatus,º the grand old gardener was saving daylight one |2sultry2| sabbath afternoon in
prefall paradise peace by following his plough for rootles in the rere garden of ye olde marine hotel when royalty was announced
by runner to have been pleased to have halted itself on the highroad along which a |2leisureloving2| dogfox had
cast |2followed by, also at walking pace, by a lady pack of cocker
spaniels2|. Forgetful of all save his vassal's plain
fealty to the ethnarch,º Humphrey or Harold stayed not to yoke or saddle but stumbled out hotface as he was (his sweatful bandanna loose from his pocketcoat)|2, hastingº2| to the forecourts of his public in topee, surcingle, plus fours and bulldog boots ruddled with red marl,º jingling his turnpike keys and bearing aloft amid the fixed pikes of the hunting party a high perch atop of which a flowerpot was fixed |2earth side up earthside up with care2|. On his majesty, who was, or |2often2| feigned to be, noticeably longsighted from green youth and had been meaning to inquire what had caused the causeway to be so potholed, asking |2alternatively, substitutionally2|,º to be put wise as to whether paternoster and silver doctors were not now more fancied bait for lobstertrapping,º honest blunt Haromphreyld answered in no uncertain tones very similarly with a fearless
forehead: Naw, |2magersty yer maggers2|, aw war jist a cotchin on thon bluggy |2earwugs earwuggers2|. Our sailor kingº, who was draining a gugglet of obvious water, upon this, ceasing to swallow, smiled most heartily beneath his walrus moustaches and,º indulging that none too genial humour which William the Conk on the spindle side had inherited with |2the hereditary whitelock and2| some shortfingeredness from his greatauntº Sophy, turned towards two of his retinue of gallowglasses, Michael, etheling lord of Leix in Offaly,º and the jubilee mayor of Drogheda, Elcock, the two scatterguns being Michael M Manning, protosyndic of Waterford,º and an Italian excellency named Giubilei according to a later version cited by the learned scholarch Canavan of Canmakenoise,º and remarked dilsydulsily: Holybones,º how our red brother of Pouringrainia would audibly fume did he know that we have for trusty bailiwick a turnpiker who is by turns a pikebailer no less than an earwicker! Comesº the question:º are these the facts as recorded in both or either of the collateral andrewpomurphyc narratives?º We shall perhaps not so soon see. The great fact remains that after that historic date all holographs so far exhumed initialled by Haromphrey bear the sigla H.C.E. and while he was only and long and always good |2duke dook2| Umphreyº for the hungerlean spalpeens of Lucalizod and Chimbers to his cronies it was equally certainly a pleasant turn of the populace which gave him as sense of those normative letters the nickname Here Comes Everybody.
Anº imposing everybody he always indeed looked, constantly the same as himself and magnificently well worthy of such universalisation, every time he continually surveyed from good start to happy finish the truly catholic assemblage gathered togetherº from all quarters |2to applaud unanimously unanimously to applaud Mr2| W. W. |v2Kelly's |aSemper's Semperkelly'sa|v2| |2immergreen2| company in the |2passion2| play of the millentury A Royal Divorce with ambitious interval band selections from The Bo'º Girl and The Lily on all gala command nights from his viceregal booth where, a veritable Napoleon the Fourth, the father of the people all |2of2| the time sat,º having the entirety of his house about him,º with the invariable broadstretched kerchief cooling his whole neck, nape and shoulderblades and in a wardrobepanelledº tuxedo completely thrown back from a shirt well entitled a swallowall,º |2in on2| every point far outstarching the laundered clawhammers and marbletopped highboys of the pit stalls and early gallery. Aº baser meaning has been read into these characters the literal sense of which decency can safely scarcely hint. It has been blurtingly bruited by certain wisecracks that he suffered from a vile disease. To such a suggestion the one selfrespecting answer is to affirm that there are certain statements which ought not to be and,º one should like to be able to add, ought not to be allowed to be made. Nor have his detractors, who, an imperfectly warmblooded race, apparently conceive him as a great white caterpillarº capable of any and every enormity in the calendar recorded to the discredit of the Juke and Kellikek families, mended their case by insinuating that, alternativelyº, he was at one time under the ludicrous imputation of annoying Welshº fusiliers in the park. To anyone
who knew and loved the Christlikenessº of the big cleanminded giant H. C. Earwicker throughout his long existence the mere suggestion of him as a lustsleuth nosing for trouble in a boobytrap rings particularly preposterous. Truth compels one to add that there is said to have once been some case of the kind implicating, it is sometimes believed, a quidam |2about that time walking around Dublin with a bad recordº2| who has remained completely anonymous but was, it is stated, posted at Mallon'sº at the instance of watch warriors of the vigilance committeeº and years afterwards|2, writes one,2| seemingly dropped dead whilst waiting for a chop somewhere near Hawkins Streetº. Slander, let it lie its flattest, has never been able to convict that good and great and no ordinary Southron Earwicker, as aº pious author callsº him, of any graver impropriety than that, advanced by some woodward or regarderº who did not dare deny |2having that he had2| that day consumed the soul of the corn, of having behaved in an ungentlemanly manner opposite a pair of dainty maidservants in the greenth of the rushy hollow whither, or so |2both the two2| gown and pinners pleaded, Dame Natureº had spontaneously and about the same hour of the eventide sent them both but whose published combinations of testimonies are, where not dubiously pure, visibly divergent on minor points touching the intimate nature of this, a first offence in vert or venison which was admittedly an incautious but, at its widest, a partial exposure with attenuating circumstances of an abnormal Saint Martin's summer and a ripe occasion to provoke it.º
Guiltlessº he was clearly for soº once at least he clearly andº with still a trace of his erstwhile burr declared himself to be and
we know that it is true. They tell the story that one happy-go-gustyº April morning (the anniversary,º as it fell out,º of his first donning of
|2long trousers youth's trousers2|) long after the alleged misdemeanour when the tried friend of nature was billowing across the wide expanse of our
greatest park in his rubberised invernessº he met a cad with a pipe. The latter hardily accosted him with howdoyoudo
(a common phrase in Dublin at the timeº) to ask could he tell how much o'clock it was that the clock struck had he any idea
|2by cock's luck2|. Earwicker, realising on fundamental principles the
supreme importance of physical life and unwishfulº as he felt of being sent into eternity, plugged
by a softnosed bullet from the sap, halted, quick on the
draw,º and produced from his gunpocket his shrapnel waterbury but, at the same instant hearing above the skirling of harsh Mother
Eastº old Fox Goodman at work upon the |2five ton2| tenor bell in the
speckled church,º told the inquiring cad it was twelve punctual,º addingº however, as he bent
down to give more weight to his utterance,º that the accusation against him had been made, what was wellº known in high quarters, by a creature in human form who was several degrees lower than a
snake. In greater support of his words (they have been reconstructed from successive accounts in the redaction known as the Sayingsº
of H. C. Earwickerº)º the flaxen giant tapped his chronometer and, now standing full erectº with one Berlin gauntlet pointed towards the iron duke's overgrown milestoneº after a Macready pauseº averred with solemn emotion: |2Credit me, my friend. Credit me, comrade.2| I have won straight. Hence my nationwide |2business hotel and general business2| and I am willing to take my stand|2, sir,2| upon the monument, that sign of our redemption, any hygienic day at this hour and to declare upon the Open Bibleº before the Great Taskmaster's eyeº and in the Presenceº of the Deity Itself as well as of my immediate neighbours and of every living soul in every corner wheresoever of this globe in general acquainted with the British tongue and commutative justice that there is not one tittle of truth in that purest of fabrications. The cad, diagnosingº that he had to do with a markedly
postpuberal hyperpituitaryº type,º like a sensible man thanked for theº time of day (not a little taken aback all theº same that that was all the time it was) and repeated verbatim as many of the words as he could call to memory that same evening at suppertide while he spat carefully about his hearthstone in museful thought after having supped of |2very excellent very supremely excellent2| peasº boiled with whitemaltº vinegar, a proviandº he frankly relished in the raw season. The cad's wife (as the aftertale has it) spoke of the matter the next night but oneº after sodality meeting to the reverend, the director,º whom she had been meaning to speak with,º trusting it would go no further than his cloth, yet it was he in all human likelihood who, when seized of the facts, was overheard by accident — if, indeed, it was an accident — to repeat a slightly varied version of the words to a layteacher of rural science and school gardening of a nearstoutº figure and in the middle
forties during a priestly flutter for safe and sane bets at the racecourse of |2breezy2| Baldoyle on a date easily capable of remembrance by all good turfites when the Encourage Selling Plate was captured by two lengths from Bold Boy Cromwell after a clever getaway by Captain D. Blount's fresh colt Drummer Coxon at |2short breakneck2| odds|2, thanks to you,º great little Danny Frush, who in his neverrip mud and purple surely unlike any other jockey that ever happened2|.
It was two coves of the name ofº Treacle Tom, as was just
out of pawn following the theft of a leg of pork,º and his own
blood and milk brother professionally known as Frisky Shorty come off the
hulks,º both of them awful poor, what was out on the bumaroundº for an
oofbirdº game for a jimmy o'goblinº or a small thick un as
heard the parson in the motor |2togs
clobberº2| make use of the language which he was
having a gurgle off his own along of the butty bloke in the specs. This Treacle Tom to whom reference has been made had been absent from his usual wild and
woollyº haunts for some time previous to that (he was, in fact, in the habit of frequenting common lodginghouses where he slept
in a nude state in strange men's bunks) but on racenight blotto after divers tots of
rum he sought his wellwarmed bed in a house of call at Block
W,º Pump Court, The Liberties,º and repeated the substance of the tale in parts more than once during uneasy slumber in the joint hearing of a discharged
cashdraper'sº executive Peter Cloran,º O'Donnell, a secretary of
no fixed abode (locally known as Cruck)º who had passed several nights in a doorway and
Hosty,º an illstarred beachbuskerº who, feeling
suicidal,º had been tossing on his shakedown, devising ways and meansº of somehow or other getting a hold of some chap's parabellum
in the hope of lighting upon a dive somewhere off the main tramline where he could go and blow the napper off himself in peace and quietness, he having been
trying all he knew for over eighteen months to get into Jervis Street hospital without
having been able to wangle it anysides. O'Mara and Peter Doran as an understood thingº slept in the
|2same one2| bed with Hosty and the bustling tweeny dawn-of-all-work had not been very many hours furbishing potlids, doorbrasses,
scholars'º applecheeks and linkboys'º metals when the rejuvenated busker and his |2broadawake2| bedroom suite were up and
afoot crosstown to the thrumming of a crewth fiddle and,º after a visit to a publichouse
not a thousand |2national2| leagues from the site of Parnell's statue where, the tale runs on, the trio |2of
whackfolthediddlers2| were shortly joined by a further casual and a decent sort |2of the hadbeen variety2| who had just pocketed the
weekly insult and all had stimulants in the shape of five gee and gees stood by the
decent sort after which |2all the rascals2| came out of the licensed premises
wiping their mouth on their sleeve,º the world was the richer for a new halfpenny ballad. This was first
|2sung poured forth2| under the shadow of the monument of the
|2dead shouldhavebeen2| legislator to an overflow meeting
fullyfillingº the visional area and easily representative of all sections and cross sections of
the Irish people ranging
from slips of young Dublins with pocketed hands |2having nothing to do |abut excepta| walk about2| side by side with corporation bucket emergencymen in search of an honest crust to busy professional gentlemen, a brace of palesmen |2fresh from snipeshooting |ain ona| Rutland Heath2| with dundrearies exchanging cold sneers, massgoing
ladies in their chairs,º |2and some wandering pigs from the adjacent cloverfieldsº, an oblate father, bricklayers and so on not forgetting2| one or two old souls obviously under the spell of liquor.
Word went round and the ballad,º printed on a slip of blue paper headed by a rough woodcut,º soon fluttered on highway and byway to the rose of the winds from laneway to lattice and from mouth to ear throughout the five corners of the united statesº of Ireland.
Have you heard of one Humpty Dumpty
How he fell with a roll and a rumble
And lay low like Lord Oliver Crumple
By the back of the Magazine Wallº,
Of the Magazine Wallº,
To the jail of Mountjoy.º
Jail him and joy.
He had schemes by the score for to bother us
Slow coaches and |2immaculate2| contraceptives for the populace,º
Mare's milk for the sick, seven dry Sundays a week,
Openair love and religious reform,
And religious reform,
Hideous in form.
His butter is in his horns.
Butter his horns!
Hurrah there, Hosty, frosty Hosty, rhyme the rann the king of all ranns!º
We had chops, chairs, chewing gum, the chickenpox and china chambers
Universally supplied by this softsoapingº salesman.
Small wonder Here Comes Everybody our local lads nicknamed him
When Chimpden first took the floor
And he took the floor,
O'er and o'er.
So snug he was in his hotel premises sumptuous
But soon we'll bonfire all his trash and his trumpery
And 'tisº short till Sheriffº Clancy'll be winding up his unlimited company
With the bailiff's bum at the door,
With a bum at the door.
He'll bum no more.
Saw his man-o'-warº
On the harbour bar.
Where from? roars Poolbeg. Cookingha'pence, he bawls,º |2Donnezmoi scampitle,º2| wick
|2a wipin' faminy an wipin' fampinyº2|
Fingal MacOscar Onesimeº Bargearse Boniface
|2That's my true old Norwegian moniker
For I'm a true old Norwegian cod
He's a true Norwegian cod.
Egregious Cod. Thok's min cammelhole Norveegickesº moniker
Og as ay are at cammelhole Norveegickesº cod.
A Norwegian cameloldº cod.
He is, begod.2|
A maid he would woo
And wooed her too
Our illogical zoo.
Who woos in the zoo
He was |2jaunting joulting2| beyond by the monument
Our rotarian hippopotamus
When some bugger let down the |2backdoor backtrap2| of the omnibus
And he caught his death of fusiliers,
His death of fusiliers.
Give him six years.
Big earwigs on the green,
All over the green?
Then we'll have a free trade band and mass meeting
For to sod the brave son of Scandinavia
And we'll bury him down in Oxmanstown
Along with the devil and Danes,
With the devil and Danes,
|2Devil's own Danes. And all their remains.2|
And not all the king's men nor his horses
Will resurrect his corpus
For there's no true spell |2between Connacht and hell in Connacht or hell2|
That's able to raise a Cain.